In the Soft Star Light
by Alice Arclight
Summary: Captain Janeway and Tuvok share a moment watching the stars from the afterdeck lounge of Voyager.


The Retreating Stars

To get to the afterdeck observation windows of the USS Voyager a passenger can just follow a circumferential corridor along the primary hull and then you just come to it. It is a two decks below the the bridge level and overlooks the shuttle bay exit. From those windows you can see the streaks of stars flowing and disappearing into the distance behind a warping Voyager.

Tuvok had come to this rear observation deck on security sweep that also served to reacquaint himself with the ship.

Having been rescued three hours earlier, one would expect he would be resting and recuperating in the sickbay. Not Tuvok. He insisted on resuming his duties immediately. He had a nearly inexhaustible capacity for exertion.

Coming up on the Captain, Tuvok stopped and stood there quietly looking at her. After a few moments Janeway turned curiously…almost as if to see if anyone were around. When she found Tuvok standing there she gave a sigh of relief and an unashamed smile.

"I…" she began to explain.

Suddenly Kes and Neelix turned the corner of the same corridor along which Tuvok had come. They welcomed Tuvok back aboard and to everyone's amazement Tuvok returned their hugs briefly and a very small smile. For a Vulcan it was like a well-spring of emotion.

Kes was the most taken aback she stood back with her hand covering her mouth…her eyes opened very wide.

"Tuvok!" she exclaimed.

Tuvok's smile faded into a tightlipped expression of almost an apology.

"Yes," he rose an eyebrow. "There is no reason to be alarmed."

Making no further explanation for his expressive mood the couple settled for congratulating him again on his survival and welcomed him back aboard the ship. They then returned to walking the cooridor and left Tuvok and Captain Janeway at the observation windows alone.

Janeway turned her back to him and resumed her stargazing.

"You've changed." she said.

"Yes," Tuvok admitted. "While stranded there was a great need for improved communications with my fellow evaders. It required me to experiment with a 'different' method of mental discipline."

With her arms crossed loosely over her chest she turned her head to examine Tuvok.

"Ya know…before they came I was just going to say how glad I was to find you standing there. I…I had been standing here wishing you were there…and then, there you were." She smiled. "Have we been friend so long that we have a…a mind meld connection…not even needing physical contact?"

"It's possible." Tuvok admitted. He paused and admitted some more: "It is likely."

Kathryn turned her head back to the retreating stars…until what he said clicked.

"So you feel it…felt it too?"

Tuvok demurred for a moment and then explained:

"We have done enough mind melds…under unusual situations…that we may have reached some low level of telepathic synchronization. It is common in our culture."

"Uh-huh…" she acknowledged. "Common amongst friends?"

"It is usually the result of previous melding to enhance concentration…and bonding. Family relations, mentors and spouses are the usual beneficiaries of such increased mental connectedness. There is no limitation as to who…it is more a question of circumstance."

"I am sorry I left you behind…again." Kathryn looked directly at him now

"I am afraid I do not understand," Tuvok admitted. "You acted according to correct tactical protocols…as usual."

"You are my best friend," she confided. "I got to be where I am because of your patient help."

Tuvok seemed to mull that over for some time. Janeway worried that he might try to deny his instrumentality in her career successes.

"Well…" Tuvok began hesitantly. "Given that you are stranded 63.54 years travel from where you are supposed to be…I apologize."

It started out slowly, but gradually, Captain Janeway broke out into a fit of laughter. In the privacy of the observation deck she allowed herself to find composure by clinging on to his shoulder.

"My god," she managed to get out finally. "I…I… That is so fantastic…coming from you. Ha! You apologize! Thank you."

Tuvok had not laughed, and even seemed somewhat at odds with himself over the situation. He had not, however, tried to redirect the captains mirth.

"You are welcome," he replied. "I endeavored to calculate whether that attempt at humor would be effective. The success is gratifying."

"Can you smile now too?" Janeway broke into a slight giggle again. "For me?"

"Yes Captain." Tuvok paused and seemed to concentrate. He closed his eyes and breathed shallowly. Suddenly a genuine smile broke out on his face and he opened his eyes and looked directly at his captain.

The beauty of her cold Vulcan friend giving such an engaging smile at her nearly set her heart to flutter.

"Wow…" was all she could say. She felt like she was blushing. She stood away from him and shivered a little. "How are you doing that?"

"I apologize, Captain…" Tuvok's smile erased, but Janeway held up her hand.

"Don't apologize," Janeway admonished. "That is the most beautiful smile I ever saw."

She was half disappointed when he did not immediately smile again, but half of her was glad, as having him look at her that way made her feel very, very different inside…in a way that seemed almost inappropriate.

"… And, secondly, we are alone and we are friends." She continued. "If you can…since you have changed so much…can you call me Kathryn?"

"If you wish…" Tuvok began to assent.

"No. No. Never mind." Janeway changed her mind. She was being twisted by conflicting feelings. "I shouldn't have asked that. All this is new to you…isn't it?"

Tuvok nodded and almost gave a laugh.

"Ahem…excuse me. Yes Ca…Kathryn. You'll have to excuse some inability to express myself rapidly in the proper fashion. I have segmented my emotions into a separate area of my superior parietal lobe. It is now possible for me 'access' this area and let it take partial control for a while…while segmented from total control of cognitive reasoning. Do you understand?"

It was Janeway's to give an unexpected laugh at this.

"Sure…I mean, no, I don't _really_ understand. But, I hear your words and it all sounds wonderful. It sounds like the usual logic and perfection I expect from a Vulcan, but now I am seeing you differently."

"I _am_ different," he admitted. "I am feeling 5 to 7% less efficient…" Tuvok turned to examine falling-away stars

"What else?" she encouraged.

"I am noticing a telepathic connection that previously went unnoticed."

Kathryn could say or do nothing but face the same direction as him.

"It'll be alright…" she started to say with a small grin on her face.

"I am…concerned that this is a bad time for me to be returning to you in a 'changed' condition."

"No!" she interjected. "It's fine. I have you back on board. I wasn't sure I was going to get that. I have to tell you I was really worried…but now, everything is just fine. I'll take you any way I can get you."

"You are happy?"

"Yes"

"May I make what might seem a rather superfluous observation…Kathryn?"

"Yes. I wish you would…Tuvok."

"In the 20 years I have known you…I have never known you to observe from a rearward facing deck. You have _always_ faced the on-coming stars."

She thought about evading his implicit question about what changes _she_ had been feeling…but with him being so vulnerable now…allowing himself to even admit HAVING emotions…she could not bring herself to be anything less than forthcoming to her greatest friend.

"I guess I have been dealing with some regrets. It started when we had to abandon you…"

"But, I _am_ back."

"…and again we continue on our way," she continued explanatorily. "I felt a little bit…incomplete…without you being here on the same ship with me. And I came back here again so grateful to have you back on board, but wondering if I can do this again. Continuing to send you away and not know if you will ever come back. And always wondering why I am put in such a cruel fate of sending someone that I…that I love away into danger…again and again. I want to say so much to you. I want to just be in your presence. I want us to be in each other's presence. But I am not allowed to say such things as your captain. I was looking at these stars regretting this fate."

Tuvok turned to face her with his hands still crossed over his chest in emulation of her. He released one arm and placed his hand gently on the curve of her uniformed shoulder.

"I am here for you Kathryn. I don't know what the future holds for us. I don't know how many tomorrows we have…but we have the benefit of many yesterdays." He gestured at the retreating stars.

"…and if you need me to be something more to you today…I am willing to serve."


End file.
